q&a: the possibility of marriage

We had a reader ask us to provide some info on why it seems that we have ruled out “the possibility of heterosexual marriage,” so I thought I’d give a brief elaboration on my own thoughts. They aren’t particularly new, and I’m sure you could copy/paste various sections from my other posts to say what I’m about to say, but it might be nice to have it in one place.

The short answer is, I haven’t ruled out the possibility of heterosexual marriage. I simply cannot disregard the many accounts of men or women who are exclusively attracted to the same sex living in happy marriages with people who are aware of that reality. You can read about one here. It’s been floating around the internet for a few days.

So it’s totally possible for some people to have a committed, fulfilling, sexually satisfying marriage even without a change in their orientation. For me, though, it doesn’t seem likely at the moment. I don’t think I really have to, or even can, explain at length why it doesn’t. It’s just that, with women, there isn’t the same depth of emotional resonance, the same sense of desire and longing, or the same confidence that I could be desirable myself.

Obviously those things don’t compose the whole of marriage, or even most of it, but they’re certainly not unimportant. And as I am increasingly growing into a brighter and more correct understanding of the blessing of singleness, the burning drive to get married, to do whatever it would take to overcome the lack of, you know, all that good stuff, just doesn’t seem to be there. This doesn’t mean I feel particularly gifted for singleness (when does the “burning with passion” stop, again?), but it is definitely no longer the death sentence for my ability to experience happiness.

So I don’t see myself as having given up on the possibility of heterosexual marriage, I just think I’m being realistic and theologically consistent. It’s not inconceivable to me; I have found some women physically appealing. But it’s rare and lacks the, I don’t know, gripping, arresting, mysterious quality of my attraction to men.

And let’s be honest here, there’s no way I’d give my fiancé full aesthetic control of the wedding. I have opinions too, dangit! “You’ve been dreaming of this day since you were in your mother’s womb? That’s nice. Doesn’t make orange any less tacky.”[1] We’d never make it to the altar; our lovely, maroon-bedecked altar.

I hope that clarified things a bit. I’m trying not to think too much about the future, about what “might be” for my sexuality. I’m focusing on developing a daily faithfulness and sense of contentment. Lord knows it’s taken me a while to get here, with so much further to go.



P.S. Feel free to continue suggesting topics to us, or to simply email us with questions. We love hearing from y’all.

[1] My deepest apologies to anyone who featured orange prominently at their wedding.


3 thoughts on “q&a: the possibility of marriage

  1. I was of similar mind in my 20s and early 30s, very much attracted to men but felt I was contentedly single serving the Lord in various ways. I was not actively dating women to look for a wife, I mean, I wasn’t dating at all. But then God started to weave a story together, kinda like the article you linked, with a woman that had become my best friend, who knew my story, and a deep love started to form that we couldn’t let go of. We married almost twenty years ago.

    I’ve been asked what I think about dating women by a lot of Christian men who deal with homosexuality and are thinking about dating or marriage. Here is advice I give from a blog post three years ago around the time of the APA Task Force report:

    “Do I recommend dating and marriage, if they desire it, for any men who struggle with homosexuality? Only if they have a real desire to marry and have children, only if they (and their spouse-to-be) face it with the realism that attraction to men may possibly continue or resurface to some degree, only if they do not see marriage as being better in God’s eyes than being single, only if they have shared about their struggle with same-sex attraction in detail with their potential future spouse, and only if they have a strong expectant faith that in God all things are possible. Even then, it is a major decision to make, but as Jones and Yarhouse point out in their findings, change in some form is possible for some people. I am one of those people.”

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